As the only child of my mum, I experienced loneliness a lot. Even if I had friends to play with in school, the loneliness at home was always there waiting for me, there was only so much interaction I could have with my mum, with the absence of siblings, I would still feel alone. And so from a tender age, I looked for activities that would help fill up my loneliness; I tried watching cartoons, reading books, writing my own stories and re-arranging the house, oh I even wrote letters to God and hid them in a bag. Loneliness was no match for my endless creative ideas.
My childhood influenced my adult-life greatly; I still like to be alone and so I’m mostly always alone, even though now, I have more options to fill up my loneliness. I approached my child-hood loneliness with enthusiasm and creativity, nowadays, sometimes I am afraid to be by myself.
It was in my loneliness after my first big-breakup, that I discovered that God could play the role of a Father in my life; this made me embrace Him and give my life to Christ. I remember that it was in my loneliness one day as I prayed in my living room that I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, it was in my loneliness that I started studying the bible and craving for deeper understanding, while writing down what I’ve studied, the words I read began to have a deeper meaning and I was able to teach bible-study classes and even start writing. It has always been in the place of loneliness that I have received clarity/direction for decision making.
But why am I suddenly afraid to be alone? I started feeling this way as the years move closer to my 30th birthday (I’m 29). In the typical African setting, as you move closer to that age, everyone reminds you in every-way that you do not have all the time in the world, for a female, if unmarried; you are reminded that your mates are married with kids, if you are yet to figure out your path in life; you are reminded that your mates have thriving and successful businesses/careers/ministries, if you are dependent on any family member; you are told that you’ve become a burden in more ways than one. I know why I don’t want to be alone anymore, I’m afraid of my thoughts when I’m alone.
And so loneliness, which is supposed to be a time for rest, reflection, a time of communion with God, a time for creativity, a time taken for proper decision making is being hijacked- our loneliness in the hands of the devil becomes a breeding ground for comparison, desperate thoughts and plans, the by-products-desperate moves, in some cases leads to death.
Give your loneliness to God, spend some time with Him; worshipping, studying/meditating on His word and praying, approach Him in your loneliness/solitude and you will find answers to life’s questions and if not, you will find strength to continue to wait or whatever else your soul really needs.
Loneliness/solitude shouldn’t be feared, it should be embraced.
How do I deal with my loneliness now? The same way I did as a child, I fill it up with doing creative things that can bless others, I write, I appreciate nature, I watch old movies but most importantly, I talk to God in prayer, I meditate on His word and I meet up with as many believers as I can as regularly as I can. What about the thoughts that creep up? I try as much as possible to replace negative thoughts with truths from the word of God
Let me drop a scripture will help you realize God gets you and wants you to know it;
Psalm 139: 1,3 (TPT)
Lord, you know everything there is to know about me. You are so aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book.